So this happened:
PORTLAND, Ore. - When police arrived at a building on the corner of S.W. 15th Ave. and S.W. Yamhill on Saturday, they found a naked man standing on the ledge, cutting himself and threatening to jump.And I was thinking, couldn't you make a kick-ass Hellmann's commercial out of this? Guy's on the ledge, wild eyed, ranting, naked, erratically pacing. (does Christopher Lloyd do nudity?) The police sergeant turns to the rookie cop (Tracy Morgan?) and gives him the task: Turkey Sandwich, stat, and make sure it's made with Hellmann's mayonnaise...
Sergeant Drake Hull who was one of the first officers on the scene, said the man was occasionally tripping and barely coherent as he walked on a 24-inch ledge.
An officer trained in crisis-intervention began talking to the man, who said he was hungry. Police then procured French fries and a turkey and bacon sandwich from the nearby Hotel deLuxe. The man apparently wasn't overwhelmed when presented with the sandwich.
I'm of two minds about the ending: either the jumper dismisses the sandwich until he sniffs the air and says, "Wait a minute... is that Hellmann's?" and turns toward safety, or, the crazed man takes a bite of a non-Hellmann's creation, spits it out, and, closeup on open-mouthed Tracy Morgan as you hear, "I wanted Hellmaaaaaaaaaaaaann'sss."
You don't have to pay me cash, Unilever, just buy something from my Amazon links.