A fellow was getting ready to tee off by himself on the first hole when a tall, stately, gray haired gentleman approached and asked if he could join him. The first man said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first two holes. The tall, stately gentleman said, “We’re about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?”
The first fellow said he was a pretty good player, and that he wasn’t much for betting, but agreed to the terms, thinking we’re pretty even so far, so why not? The stately gentleman played “straight & true” golf the rest of the round and won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off the 18th green, and while counting his $80, the tall, stately golfer confessed that he was the teaching pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the parish priest. The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The priest said, “You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.”
The pro said, “Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”
The priest said, “Well, you could come to mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I’ll marry them.”
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Posted by lumberjack at 7:10 PM
Friday, February 26, 2010
I don't get to listen to Rush Limbaugh much, I listen to him or C-span as I drive between jobs. (though I've been tending more towards C-span lately -- I swear, a Republican could catch fire in the Senate and you'd never hear about it on the network news, but C-span is a window into what is really going on)
Anyway, I caught Limbaugh today and heard a commercial that gave me pause. It was for PennyStockChaser.com. And no, no link. They seem to be down today, according to IsItJustMe?, so I couldn't read their "disclaimer" page. But I'd urge anyone who thinks they might be interested in Penny Stock "advisers" to check out two things: first, their disclaimer page, and then this article.
But if you find a penny stock you really like; one that the internet assures you will make you rich, here's a rule that will never steer you wrong:
1.) Flip a quarter
2.) If it comes up heads, don't buy the stock.
3.) If it comes up tails, don't buy the stock.
4.) If it lands on its edge, and stays there, and slowly starts rotating clockwise by itself, and George Washington winks at you, then invest that quarter and nothing more.
***Update: found this:
.....PennyStockChaser appears to engage in similar practices. Already, during just seven months of operation, the young website has collected almost 200 million free trading shares in microcap companies that it was paid to tout. Although PennyStockChaser fails to disclose whether it has already sold those shares – shunning a practice adopted by more transparent firms – it could have scored millions by selling some of those pumped-up stocks before they crashed and left ordinary investors with big losses.
In early August, for example, the website highlighted Atlantic Wind & Solar (AWSL) – a company with no revenue, few employees and an “office” that apparently belongs to UPS – in one of its featured profiles. Shares of AWSL, which fetched 84 cents on the day of that report, rocketed toward $5 over the next few months before reversing course and losing serious ground. PennyStockChaser received 140,000 free shares of AWSL – worth $675,000 at their peak – for its favorable coverage.
Timothy Sykes, a former hedge fund manager with a keen eye for penny-stock fraud, suspected blatant hype and shorted 3,000 shares of AWSL ahead of its recent plunge.
“I still expect the stock to fall 50% to 90% from its pumped-up highs, in accordance with other PennyStockChaser pump and dumps,” Sykes wrote in a blog on his official website.
Posted by lumberjack at 4:41 PM
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Special C-SPIN Coverage of the Toyota Recall Hearings [Satire]
House Committee on Energy and Commerce, Subcommittee on Oversight and Investigations
REP. WALDEN (R-OR.): Secretary LaHood, are Toyotas safe to drive?
SEC. LAHOOD: We believe that the Toyotas listed on our Web site are not safe to drive - unlike the sporty, affordable Chevy Cobalt.
REP. SUTTON (D-OH.): So, you're saying that a woman - a minority woman - driving a Toyota is putting her life at risk?
SEC. LAHOOD: Yes ma'am there is a significant risk of her Toyota accelerating, uh, unwantedly. Now had that woman checked out the surprisingly affordable Buick Enclave ...
REP. DINGELL, (D-Mich.): Mr. Secretary, I want to thank you for your forthright testimony here today, and I'd like to ask you if you think these problems in vehicles built at Southern plants might be the result of negligence of workers who are unhappy? I mean workers whose job security and retirement are in constant jeopardy, and who've been denied the opportunity to collectively bargain? Who lack representation?
SEC. LAHOOD: If you mean to imply, Congressman, that these safety issues wouldn't have occurred in cars built in UAW plants, uh, you're absolutely right. Now, for the union professionals who build the luxurious Cadillac Escalade, there's union quality behind every turn of the wrench.
REP. WALDEN: Now let me ...
SEC. LAHOOD: I'd also like to say that the quality doesn't end at the factory door...
and it goes on...
Posted by lumberjack at 11:17 AM
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Three brothers Neil, Jeb, and Dub, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here", says Neil, "It's Obidiah Jones' grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing", says Jeb, "here's one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Dub yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!"
"What was his name?" asks Neil.
Dub lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Austin."
Posted by lumberjack at 12:40 PM
I originally started playing this video in order to get a screen grab of the deer-in-the-headlights guy. But letting it play I noticed that in the entire 1:37 is taken up with Matthews' question. The guy tries to shoe-horn in a word or two but it is futile.
And listen to what Chris does. He is building, in his head, the ideal "conservative" with which to argue:
Why do conservatives have to believe all these things. Answer is, they don't. Only in your head do all these traits come together in a single person. This is why Jon Stewart was completely flummoxed by the "torture lawyer" John Yoo. Professor Yoo was not the straw monster that liberals had constructed in their heads. And his legal opinions on what constitutes torture were not sinister.
Posted by lumberjack at 11:02 AM
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Isn't it odd thinking of news as old if you don't get to it the first day? Al Gore's internet made it that way. This one it doesn't matter though. Liberals' contempt for American citizens is as old as Barbra Streisand:
"But what the Democrats never understand is that Americans don't really care what position you take, just stick with one," Maher said. "Just be strong. They're not bright enough to really understand the issues. But like an animal, they can sort of sense strength or weakness. They can smell it on you."
Ok, Bill, you're wrong, but you're not stupid enough to think that your proclaiming our dumbness helps your cause, are you?
He goes on to say how social security, the Marines, Medicare, etc. are socialism. Um, no. the Marines are and armed force, and the others are social programs. It's not socialism to have a government clinic; that's a social program. It's socialism when the government runs all clinics. It's socialism when the government controls or owns the means of production. Like if the government made all the cars, or ran all the banks. And that's why, when the government is starting down that road, thinking Americans (smarter than you apparently) worry.
If you want to win us over, you'll have to try harder. Maybe calling us stupid isn't your best argument. (then again, maybe it is)
Posted by lumberjack at 9:09 PM
I've been busy, sorry, but I had to take time out to send get-well wishes in Dick Cheney's direction. And, as is my habit, whenever the health of a conservative is threatened, I like to check out the Huffington Post. Sometimes they disable comments; sometimes they unleash an army of editors to frantically delete the most vulgar of them.
This time, mixed in with the "I wish he had died" ones, the "why was my comment deleted?" ones, the "come on you guys, you're making us look like angry children" ones, there was actually a funny one: "Apparently, Satan's Work is not yet complete."
Yeah, and don't you forget it, junior. He's probably not even going to get it done through reconciliation. But, good one kid.
Posted by lumberjack at 6:12 PM
A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd porpoise on one of its trips. Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free.
"Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be a kindness if our ship's doctor here were to amputate the feet so that it would be like other porpoises?"
"Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor, "That would be defeeting the porpoise."
Posted by lumberjack at 12:23 AM
Monday, February 22, 2010
Saturday, February 20, 2010
him, Alan Simpson waits for the signature to be complete before
handing him the commission's recommendation to raise taxes.
I wonder how many true believers are left out there. Does anyone believe there's a chance in hell that these guys will come back with a recommendation to leave taxes alone and spend less?
The same day President Obama called for another $50 billion to $100 billion stimulus plan (and concomitant increase in the deficit), he also appointed the chairmen of his Deficit Reduction Commission. It says a lot about Washington that almost no one got the irony of those paired announcements.
The two cochairmen will be Democrat Erskine Bowles, President Bill Clinton's former White House chief of staff, and Republican Alan Simpson, the former Wyoming Senator. Mr. Simpson was best known for being a thorn in the side of conservatives and supply-siders when he was in the Senate. "He is a tax increaser and he's anti-immigrant," says Grover Norquist of Americans for Tax Reform.
The fix is in folks. The captain asks you to prepare for descent.
Posted by lumberjack at 4:45 PM
Friday, February 19, 2010
Excerpt from a Dog’s Diary……..
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpt from a Cat’s Diary…
Day 783 of my captivity….
Posted by lumberjack at 7:32 PM
every attempt to correct it. Cameramen were ushered out,
but rumor has it that the three were entangled for hours.
See? I could do liberal humor. And I would do, except it's often shot through with bitterness and who wants to be part of that genre?
I'd do a photoshop or something re the Obama meeting, but the pictures of the Dalai Lama leaving the White House through the back entrance were sad. Who can work with that? I suppose we should be happy Obama decided to meet with him at all. I expected him to cave to Chinese pressure completely. Perhaps someone slipped a Growacet into his Earl Grey. They should have doubled the dose, so the Dalai Lama didn't have to exit past the trash.
Posted by lumberjack at 12:31 PM
I saw some government type colleagues fiddling with a car today, I had business with one of them so I had to go over. (sometimes, it's not a good idea for a mechanic to walk into a situation like that... someone could ask your opinion, or you could get roped into working in the snow for free. I don't mind when my input is needed, I usually tell the guy what's wrong then smile while he ignores my advice and goes in search of some other cause for the problem. And lately, when asked what the cause of the problem is, I'll just answer "Obama" and leave it at that)
Anyway, I saw these guys had a coil wire off and it occurred to me that they could be pulling a prank on some fellow worker. And it reminded me of this, something you used to be able to buy at the 7-11 in the early 60's:
AUTO FOOLER SMOKE WHISTLE PRANKAn oldie but goodie. When the victim turns the car ignition, a whistle blows and smoke comes out of nowhere. Detailed instructions tell you how it's done for maximum effect. Works with any item that has a spark plug and electronic ignition. Classic prank.
It turned out they were doing serious work (q: "What do you think is wrong with the idle?" a: "Obama") But being reminded of the whistle-fooler I asked them if they remembered it from when they were youths. Nobody did. So I figured sales of the things had probably stopped long ago because of safety issues; I mean really, it's pyrotechnics that you stick under the hood of a gasoline powered vehicle - the potential for bad endings is definitely there. So I go to research it on the WWW and, what a surprise, they still sell the things.
They probably aren't quite the same device as was sold in my youth; I seem to remember that the original would whistle shrilly, pause, then there'd be a loud bang and the smoke would start. I suppose I could be wrong. I never actually used one. I was just a kid and the price would have been beyond my kid budget -- probably $1.29, which is something like $ 6,000 in today's money. But I definitely remember imagining using one, not sure on whose car, but I remember standing there in the 7-11, touching the package, as if maybe some of it's magic would rub off on me. I think I worshiped at the shrine of the auto-fooler every time I went into the 7-11. Kids could do that back in those days, hardly anyone shoplifted so kids were allowed to stand and gawk.
How cool is that, getting entertainment and memories that have stayed with me my whole life, and I never even bought the thing? What would have happened if I had gotten one? My life would have been complete before I was even a teenager. There would have been nothing left to strive for. The manufacturer, realizing this, wisely priced it out of the reach of the young and vulnerable.
Posted by lumberjack at 1:57 AM
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Me: (tries to visit a local restaurant’s website via iPhone)
Restaurant website: I require Flash. F*ck off.
Me: I just want to know how late you’re open.
Me: But I’m on my phone. Don’t you have a little “HTML Version” link up in the corner or something?
Website: I’m ignoring you.
Me: What if I’m on my phone because I’m out, looking for a place to eat? Didn’t that ever occur to you?
Website: F*ck entirely off.
Me: (gives up, switches to computer)
Website: Oh! Hi! What can I help you with today?
Me: What are your —
Website: Hang on, I’m loading the music.
Website: You’ll love it. It’s “Girl from Ipanema” arranged for steel drum and keytar.
Me: No, you don’t have to —
Me: All I want is —
Website: I SAID DOT DOT DOT.
Me: (drums fingers on desk)
Website: There we go. Isn’t that nice? It’s… what’s the word. Ethnicky.
Me: What are your hours?
Website: Take a look at our menu! It’s a PDF of a screenshot of a scan of a Word document printed on a dishtowel. With fonts!
Me: I don’t care. What are your hours?
Website: Don’t worry, the menu loads in a new window so the music won’t stop. Can I show you some broken images?
Me: What. Are. Your. Hou. Rs.
Website: I… I don’t know.
Me: (goes to Denny’s)
from Venomous Porridge
I don't have an iPhone but I can relate to websites that tell you almost everything, except what you wanted to know. Best solution, usually, is to close the window and call on the phone; like F. Scott Fitzgerald could have done circa 1920.
Posted by lumberjack at 11:10 AM
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He’d never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, “Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”
Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”
The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”
Murphy replied, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all.”
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; “After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?”
Murphy slowly shook his head. “No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ I remembered where I left me hat.”.
Posted by lumberjack at 1:15 PM
Found at Newsbusters:
In the past two days, men's speed skating was slowed to a standstill because of poor ice conditions, further complicated by the environmentally friendly machines, used in place of the tried and true Zamboni, that kept breaking down. A Zamboni is being brought in from Calgary.
Just made me wonder: does anybody intentionally buy green products? I mean, sure, somebody must buy them, otherwise they wouldn't be on the shelf. But does anyone buy the 'environmentally friendly' cleaner, use it, realize that plain water cleans better, then go back to the store to buy it for a second time? Is there a group of consumers out there who buy environmentally friendly batteries because well, darn it, regular batteries just last too long?
And I'm still waiting for the first documentary about bio-diesel buses traveling cross country where filming isn't suspended on the second day while the crew looks for a diesel mechanic in Irving, Texas. Sure, a few buses can run, for a time, on used McDonald's french fry oil. But McDonald's can't sell enough french fries to make a dent in our need for petroleum. And calling bad ideas 'revolutionary solutions' doesn't make them good ideas.
You can make incremental improvements to any product, but when you mandate a revolution in green technology you end up with cleaners that don't clean, and Zambonies that don't zambone.
Posted by lumberjack at 12:33 PM
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
CAIRO - Egypt's famed King Tutankhamun suffered from a cleft palate and club foot, likely forcing him to walk with a cane, and died from complications from a broken leg exacerbated by malaria, according to the most extensive study ever of his more than 3,300-year-old mummy.
Chris Matthews, Keith Olberman, and Rachel Maddow are working on the one last question: Just what was Sarah Palin's involvement?
Posted by lumberjack at 2:06 PM
The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for generations. Mrs. Michaels, who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday, lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.
One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"
"What do I think?" his mother said. "Jump at it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"
h/t: Miss Cellania
Posted by lumberjack at 12:52 AM
Monday, February 15, 2010
For Valentine's Day, stonestead said:
WHAT A WIFE SAYS...AND ACTUALLY MEANS
The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want
The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want
The wife says: It's your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious
The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You'll pay for this later
The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain
The wife says: Sure... go ahead
The wife means: I don't want you to
The wife says: I'n not upset
The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron
The wife says: You're ... so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot
Posted by lumberjack at 1:11 PM
Charles Krauthammer writes:
By the end of this year, there will be no shuttle, no U.S. manned space program, no way for us to get into space. We're not talking about Mars or the moon here. We're talking about low-Earth orbit, which the U.S. has dominated for nearly half a century and from which it is now retiring with nary a whimper.
Our absence from low-Earth orbit was meant to last a few years, the interval between the retirement of the fatally fragile space shuttle and its replacement with the Constellation program (Ares booster, Orion capsule, Altair lunar lander) to take astronauts more cheaply and safely back to space.
But the Obama 2011 budget kills Constellation. Instead, we shall have nothing. For the first time since John Glenn flew in 1962, the U.S. will have no access of its own for humans into space -- and no prospect of getting there in the foreseeable future.
The O-spin is that this will be a boost to the private space industry. I kind of doubt the private space industry will be able to fill the gap. But I guess we'll see.
Possibly this year's science fair winner will grow up to join NASA, where he or she will endeavor to catch up with China's space program. So maybe Obama is just challenging our youths to excel.
But reading the above, what struck me was that quite possibly NASA's own James "AGW Jim" Hansen had a hand in his colleagues being handed pink slips. After all, isn't the specter of cap-n-trade a drag on this recovery? Even if the House bill fails, the EPA is in the wings threatening to save us. Sure we'll be bled dry in the process, but you can't make an omelet without nationalizing some eggs.
So here's Hansen, saying, no, sorry, I don't have a cardboard box to help you clean out your desk, and watching as even Phil Jones of CRU backpedals:
* Data for vital 'hockey stick graph' has gone missing
* There has been no global warming since 1995
* Warming periods have happened before - but NOT due to man-made changes
NASA is being squeezed to help ease a huge deficit, but Hansen is still useful, so he'll be safe for a long while. The only threat to his job would be if he reexamined the science and toned down his Cap and Trade cheerleading. But there's little chance of that. Hansen is a scientist (damit) and everyone knows that the scientific method demands making up your mind (the time for debate is over) and holding on to that belief like a bulldog.
I'd rather see an emphasis on recovery as weapon against debt but that's not going to happen until voters demand it.
Posted by lumberjack at 10:56 AM