Milk Shooting Out My Ears

The Onion, one step ahead of the news, documenting Private Beauchamp's major malfunction before we knew he had it:

Report: More U.S. Soldiers Suffering From Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder

....Army Pfc. Henry Gerard, 19, who suffers from acute Pre-TSD, said he blames the federal government for putting him in this mentally debilitating state.

"The government knows exactly what they intend to put me through, and they still haven't done a damn thing about it, man," said Gerard, who, nearly three weeks before reporting to Fallujah, suffers from nightmares in which his potential best friend is beheaded.

....."I'm not the same man I once was," Gerard said, adding that he spends every night drinking to drown out the screams and cries for help he expects to hear. "War is going to be hell."

The study, conducted by the Department Of Future Veterans Affairs.....

h/t: Ace