Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Court Update

I was up early today to go to court. No, no big thing, just me being hauled up before the Man for being free. They hate it when you're free in Amerika, man. The "reason" for me being there was that they say I supposed to be at the last hearing they scheduled.

I had an iron-clad excuse though. I told them that my yin and yang were out of whack and as a result my chi was messier than a crack house on Saturday morning. Plus, I forgot. Luckily they bought the "I forgot" part.

So, good news. They didn't find me contemptible. Or if they did, they kept it to themselves. Well most of them did. The bailiff was a little miffed because I announced, "I know my rights! I know my rights!" as he tried to wrestle me into the courtroom. Though to be fair, later reflection led me to conclude he was probably just holding the door open for me.

Some advice, should you ever find yourself in a similar situation:

  • Take a pass on the on the Al Pacino "I'm out or order? You're out of order..." spiel. (no matter how good you've gotten practicing it in front of the mirror) Apparently this one has been done to death already, so don't try it unless you're looking for a sure fire way to get the bailiff to draw his tazer.
  • It never hurts to address the Judge "Your Majesty." Also a winner: "Your Excellency".
  • Cheering the Judge's admonitions and orders to other litigants can't hurt but don't take it too far. You'll have to ride the elevator with some of them on your way out of the building.
  • And if you absolutely must do your Al Pacino: be sure to take your toothbrush and a carton of cigarettes with you to the courthouse.