Saturday, March 31, 2012

Getting Testy


"Molly, if you make one more stop to 'look for yarn,' I swear
to God, I will go Mel Gibson on your sorry carcass.

Kagan Daydreams

source from daylife

President Says He Was Only Kidding on Healthcare

The President began showing up at campaign events riding a
fiberglass cow and firing an oversized six-shooter into the air.

"I was just joking, and you fell for it. You thought there really was a bill, hahahaha. It was all just a prank to see if you'd fall for it, and you did."

I Actually Do Like Cats

But I see no reason to sugar coat it, cats mainly only tolerate me.


I Want One I Want One

I Transmit This Information

h/t: cube

Friday, March 30, 2012

Silly Rules

If the President is Anything, It's Fair

To show the Catholic Church that he is not singling them out with the HHS mandate, the President passed gas on the Dalai Lama today. "See? I don't play favorites, and the American people should know this."

Obama Steps in It

Therefore: dogs, equal to, or greater than, cats.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Malingerer Shows Commitment

This is why socialism doesn't work:

In a desperate bid to keep collecting unemployment, an Austrian man reportedly sawed off his own foot — and then cooked it, just to be sure it couldn't be reattached and foil his plan.

Just before he was due for a health check with jobs officials, Hans Url, 56, of Mitterlabill, held his leg to his circular saw and sliced off his foot at the ankle, the Daily Mail reported.

He then tossed his severed foot into an oven to prevent doctors from possibly reattaching [it] in his bizarre bid to remain on unemployment.

A certain percentage of the population is just fine with being taken care of by everyone else. And, as this guy illustrates, some will go to extraordinary lengths to stay on the dole. And I'll bet dollars to doughnuts that the guy makes his wife clean up the circular saw. "I work my shins to the bone trying to provide for this family; the least you could do is help clean up."

[I just realized, "dollars to doughnuts" might soon be an extinct phrase; they're not far from equivalent now, and in some cases, I'd prefer the doughnut]

Working for the Man

No Geese Were Harmed in th... Well Maybe Just One

Not really harmed.

I just remembered one I posted back in 2010:

I wonder what the government is doing about this goose problem? I'm in favor of destroying their habitat myself. Most likely the administration favors giving them grants for algae exploration though.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

License and Registration Please

Do you know why I pulled you over?


I know,the picture cries out for photoshopping into some sort of dance milieu, but I had these other images lying around this one just sort of happened.

Don't know what it's referring to? Can't watch this too many times:

Brushy One String

Think what he could do with two strings.

But I applaud his responsible use of the earth's resources. A DOE commissioned study recently estimated that over 1.32 tons of carbon is released during the manufacture and distribution of anything that is even remotely desirable. That includes guitar strings. So think of the birdies Brushy saves by eschewing the other 5 strings.

(check the related videos)



Monday, March 26, 2012

Give Him Space

President Obama: "On all these issues, but particularly missile defense, this, this can be solved but it’s important for him to give me space."

President Medvedev: "Yeah, I understand. I understand your message about space. Space for you…"

President Obama: "This is my last election. After my election I have more flexibility."

President Medvedev: "I understand. I will transmit this information to Vladimir."

The more I think about it, the more trouble I'm having with it. In effect, Obama is saying that his stance on missile defense would cost him votes with the American people. After he's elected, he won't have to worry about what Americans want.

I long for presidents capable of being overheard telling Medvedev to "go to hell, we have every right to advance our security interests." I think any of the last dozen presidents were capable of it. All except Obama.

I say he does need flexibility after the election. Retirement should be the most flexible time of all.

No Bunnies Were Hurt

h/t: corner

Sunday, March 25, 2012

One of Those Days

Leadership, From Behind, With Vision

Of course it's photoshopped, but before you criticize, think how many times they did this to George W Bush. Anyway, this isn't all that embarrassing. I think most people have picked up binoculars and started using them before realizing that no light was getting through. Obama is only unique in that he's entirely capable of pretending that the binoculars are working just fine, thankyouverymuch. "In fact they're clearer than we expected and they're coming in under budget."

BTW - When it came time to save this picture I had to name it something unique so I settled on "obammanoculars." That caused me to wonder what Obama-binoculars would really be like. What does Obama see when he looks into the distance, ie the future? I think Obamanoculars would show him exactly the vision he had as an undergrad: shining efficient cities where everyone worked cheerfully, nobody got too rich, and the government took care of all the people.

I bet most people had daydreams of utopia at that age. The problem, for some people, is that the vision was so strong, or the visionaries were so stubborn, that reality had no chance to modify that vision. Empirical contradictions to the vision never got through for these stuck socialists. Obama will always have that same vision of an impossible future.

It's an impossible future, but that doesn't mean he can't wreck us trying to get there. That's why we have to vote him out of office. We can't take another four years of this guy trying to immanentize the eschaton.

Oh look. Here is the POTUS in almost the same picture except for one hand being huge. It must be a cross-post from that wildly popular One Large Hand blog.

source photo

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Serpentine! Serpentine!

I saw this picture and was immediately reminded of The In-Laws, in which Peter Falk is a rogue secret agent (or is he?) and Alan Arkin is the innocent dentist caught up in Falk's sphere of insanity. One of my favorite lines from the movie is when Arkin is getting shot at and Falk helpfully (?) calls out for him to: "Serpentine Sheldon, Serpentine!"

Anyway, that's why I added the imagined penguin dialog. In most encounters of this type the penguin will fight it out, oftentimes sending the killer whale off to lick its wounds. (as far as you know)

Friday, March 23, 2012

Simple Mistake

The last three years explained.

One Large Theft of Premise

Seen the One Tiny Hand blog? Great concept.

So I flattered it in the sincerest way possible.

Friday Music Spot

Like how I did that? "Friday Music Spot" like it's a regular thing or something.

This week on "Friday Theme Song Suggestion" we have the Band. And we're nominating the chorus from This Wheel's on Fire as a theme song for the Chevy Volt.

Wheels on Fire Rolling down the road. Best notify my next of kin. This wheel shall explode.

Per Se

I need to be reelected so I can keep the pressure on
a Congress that seems intent on making foolish
guarantees to my political fund raisers, per se.

photo via

What an Eloquent President

h/t: ricochet

First, Don't Get Caught Being Evil

Has anyone been creeped-out by the persistence of targeted google ads recently? For the past week I've been seeing ads for Budd wheel sockets. Which just happens to be something I googled in order to get a list of manufacturers awhile back. Now I see them every day. Well, I did until I googled cardboard balers, and my adverts were replaced with those.

I see what they're trying to do. And I suppose that one day an ad will remind me that I need to get something that I had previously checked out online. But mostly these things are wasted on me. I bought a budd socket locally the next day, and believe me, at $80 apiece, nobody wants two of them. (also, I didn't even want the first one because it meant I was working on a tire that rivaled me in weight) The cardboard baler? I'm never buying one, I just needed a manufacturer's phone number for parts.

So those ads are mainly just going to irritate me. But what if I was searching for one of those hemorrhoid doughnut pillow things, or adult diapers, or erectile dysfunction drugs? I can imagine a ton of searches that might prove embarrassing. (thankfully I'm not searching out any of those things.... yet)

Another thought: how long before young men are borrowing their friends computers, ostensibly to check email, but also with the intent to load up their google ads with embarrassing surprises. Use your imagination.

So the ads haven't got me in the rabid frothing at the mouth stage yet. But here's something I could see getting under my skin pretty darned quick:

Adverts could soon be tailored according to the background noise around you when using your smartphone, if a patent application by Google becomes reality.

The search engine giant has filed for a patent called ‘Advertising based on environmental conditions’.

As that title implies, it’s not just background sounds that could be used to determine what adverts you seen on your mobile phone. The patent also describes using ‘temperature, humidity, light and air composition’ to produced targeted adverts.

Now that would be creepy. Sure, I'm used to the police listening in to analyze the airplanes and church bells in the background. But they're just trying to find out where I'm hiding the kidnap victims. And the wife has an interest in the ambient bar sounds when I call home. But I'm sorry, google doesn't have the right to note the screaming babies, unruly dogs, or angry political discussions in Russian they might pick up from my phone.

"Oh Ned, the computer says that's the sound of a dog chewing up his reading glasses again. Send him the ads for chew toys and For Eyes."

I'll tell you what. The first time I get an ad that seems targeted to my real life, I'm stirring up the mix. I'll start playing Hitler speeches and Mr Rogers episodes. I'll start mixing Foo Fighters and Jimmy Stewart soundtracks. I'll change my name to Rusty Shackleford and start making my own license plates. I'm serious Google. Stay out of my underwear drawer. I'll go Kung Fu on you.

Bring Bring!


Thursday, March 22, 2012

Gosh Darn You to Heck, GE

When our microwave is done, it assumes the consumer (me) has forgotten that the beep and inactivity mean that it has completed its cycle. So it puts up a reminder, "YOUR FOOD IS READY"

All well and good. I shouldn't mind that the microwave thinks I'm oblivious to the status of my heating request. But, it just sort of irked me. So a few years ago, after reheating a cup of coffee, I told the microwave "it's not food you idiot." And then I did it again. And again. And it kind of became a habit.

Before long I was always saying it. (in my head)(I hope) And now I even say it when it is food. Right? The microwave doesn't know. I figure get this out of my system now, because when the machines all link up through Skynet, an insult to the microwave may bring retribution from the food processor.

Good for You, Young Man

Makes me proud of my Norwegian heritage. In Norway, if you're tired, you just take a nap. And look at that discipline, he's even napping at attention. His friends faces tell the whole story though, "That's OK Anders, you rest. We'll stand guard and make sure nobody bothers ya."

Cute Enough For Government Work

video h/t's: lumberbrudi

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Rahm Emanuel

I'm convinced Drudge does this on purpose. Not that there's anything wrong with it.

And above Rahm Emanuel's "You got nothin on me" picture, there's "Michelle: We Teach Our Kids South Chicago Values"

I suspect they try to teach their kids better than that. So far this year, there have been 94 murders in Chicago. There were 66 in the same period last year. There have been 408 shootings so far this year, compared to 296 in the same period in 2011.

Remember the stolen newspaper vending machine in Rahm's crawl space? That's how it begins.

Monday, March 19, 2012

I Think I Can, I Think I Can, I Think ah, What's the Use?


Curious Story

The Obamas went to church (church!) without Malia yesterday, so it looks like there might be something to this story (which is fast disappearing from the internet tubes):

President Barack Obama’s 13-year-old daughter, Malia Ann Obama, will be spending her spring break in the Mexican city of Oaxaca with 12 friends and 25 Secret Service agents.

The young tourists will be in a downtown hotel in the city known for its colonial architecture and native traditions, reported a state police official.

“We are here to block access to the hotel by other people and escort the vehicles that are carrying the visitors to tourism sites,” the police official told AFP under the condition of anonymity.

Along with the 25 Secret Service agents, Obama and her friends will protected by a slew of Mexican police officers, according to the AFP.

But now the story is disappearing.

So I wonder why. Malia isn't with the family so she must be somewhere. If she is in Oaxaca, is the story being scrubbed because:

  • She's 13 and the Obamas just realized that is too young to go on spring break without your parents?
  • This isn't the time to be telling the beleaguered American taxpayer that he's paying for this crew's lavish lifestyle when he couldn't afford to go on vacation at all for the last two years?
  • The kids are in a dangerous area and publicity puts them in more danger -- plus the smartest guy in any room didn't realize there would be publicity around the president's daughter and her posse jaunting down to Mexico?

Whatever is going on, it's got Obama written all over it.

Har, George Clooney

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Barack the Bacon Hoarder

Barack the Bacon Hoarder - his weapons include
taxation and endless stories that go nowhere.

I don't know my dungeons from my dragons but when I saw a request for a D&D avatar, I figured I'd give it a shot. This was adapted from an avatar from Lee Smith. (don't know who that is but who's got time to paint boots or swords?)

Sometimes, when I feel like photoshoping but I'm uninspired, I'll go here and do requests for people. It's really great when I can restore a picture that is especially important to someone. But sometimes I'll see a request that gives me fresh ideas; like this.

Also, it's fun to make light of Barry the Unsubstantial on reddit. Reddit is a place where, if Obama steps in dog poop, they will hail it as a masterful move. Why, we should all step in dog poop. Don't know why it took us so long to realize it.

Kony 2012

What a strange thing the internet is. It gave huge coverage to the situation with Joseph Kony and the LRA via the movie Kony 2012. But it brought down huge criticism as well. Why? I don't know. At first I thought it was the Justin Bieber phenomenon - it's a big thing and it's not my thing, I think I'll call it stupid. But maybe it's a macho thing; the movie tugs at your heart strings and young males don't like to admit having heartstrings. Whatever it is, it's taken a toll on the founder of Invisible Children:

(Reuters) - The director of a video gone viral that calls for the arrest of fugitive Ugandan warlord Joseph Kony has been hospitalized in California for exhaustion following an "unfortunate incident," his group said on Friday.

It said filmmaker Jason Russell's condition stemmed from the emotional toll of recent weeks.

The 30-minute YouTube video called "Kony 2012," viewed by tens of millions of people, aims to wake up the world to atrocities committed by Kony's Lord's Resistance Army, including kidnapping children and forcing them to fight.

"Jason Russell was unfortunately hospitalized yesterday suffering from exhaustion, dehydration, and malnutrition. He is now receiving medical care and is focused on getting better," Ben Keesey, head of Invisible Children, said in a statement.

"The past two weeks have taken a severe emotional toll on all of us, Jason especially, and that toll manifested itself in an unfortunate incident yesterday," he added, without giving details.

AWL readers may remember me mentioning that Lumberkid has been an Invisible Children supporter for years. It's great that the film has taken off but she reports encountering its detractors as well. It's unfortunate, but there's no way I can shelter her from stupid people, they're everywhere.

Speaking of stupid people, driving home from work today, I had to lock the brakes to avoid a horse mounted cowboy on the highway. I say cowboy because he had the hat and jeans. He probably also had an iphone and was on his way to Starbucks, but he was cowboy enough to drive a horse into the traffic lanes. Ten minutes later a half dozen weekend bikers shredded their way through cars and shoulders at speeds in excess of 85 mph. Obviously on their way to an organ donor conference.

Stupid people.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Charles on Oil

Charles Krauthammer sums up the oil situation:

Obama boasts that on his watch, production is up and imports down. True, but truly deceptive. These increases have occurred in spite of his restrictive policies. They are the result of Clinton- and Bush-era permitting. This has been accompanied by a gold rush of natural-gas production resulting from new fracking technology that has nothing at all to do with Obama.

It drove me nuts to hear Obama boast about oil production being up on his watch. Yeah, only because Bush approved leases that became productive after he left office.

Another thing - if increased production won't help ease prices, why on earth would releasing from the Strategic oil reserve ease them? In fact, we have a huge pool of available oil if he would just let us drill. And a pipeline that everyone except him wants built... Read the whole thing.

Your Food is Trying to Kill You

But you can advance the War on Women if you take the wife down with you.

Have you seen the latest your-meat-will-kill-you study? (done by vegans for vegetarians and edited by the pale elite who refuse any nourishment that isn't delivered via IV) The good news: you can end it all quickly with salami and hot dogs. Me, I plan on dragging it out with sirloin steak.

Truth is, I didn't read the study. These sorts of things tend to find what they start out looking for. What new science can come from that? But the study did remind me that it's been awhile since I've fixed steaks, so tonight I threw together a Marinade Marvelous. It's a minor sin to only marinade for a few hours (instead of the usual 24) but I am weak when in the grip of bovine appetency.

It goes like this:
Marinade Marvelous

3/4 cup Soy Sauce

1/4 cup Ketchup

2 TBSP Sugar

1/2 cup Sherry wine (grocery store wine is ok)

1/3 cup Chopped onion

1 clove Garlic (squashed and minced)

Juice and Rind of 1 Lemon

Mix it all up in a gallon freezer bag, add steaks, burp the air out, and let it sit in the refrigerator for 24 hours. You should use the actual lemon - the rind makes a difference - but I have gone to lemon juice in a pinch. Most important though is the time; give the marinade 24 hours and grill it rare or medium rare at most, and you'll have a steak that makes you want to go out for an after dinner vegan beat-down.

Just kidding of course. I suppose if vegans want to be vegans, well ok. But I suspect this recipe could cure them.

Marinade Marvelous came from my dad. It was a revelation to kid-me, I mean, who knew food could be that good? Years later my mom gave me the recipe. She said that my dad modified a recipe that came on the Kikkoman bottle many years ago. I'm sure he did what I do: started out with the basic recipe and tasted and adjusted as he went along. He also refused to cook any steak past medium rare. I balked at that as a kid but I'm wiser now. All your great minds take their steak rare. Look it up.

If you're going to try it, follow the recipe exactly the first time. And use real lemons and garlic. Sirloin is best, though you could use any choice cut of beef.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Look What I Found at Work Tomorrow


Happy Pi Day

And what could be more appropriate than a cake made from pies? Second question, is there any situation in which a cake made from pies isn't appropriate?

So happy pi day. Pi, which is just the ratio of radius to circumference. Sometimes with a delicious fruit filling.