Friday, April 02, 2010

One of Us Got Caught

I thought this was an April Fools article yesterday so I ignored it. Turns out there really was a guy arrested at CERN:

A would-be saboteur arrested today at the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland made the bizarre claim that he was from the future. Eloi Cole, a strangely dressed young man, said that he had traveled back in time to prevent the LHC from destroying the world.

The LHC successfully collided particles at record force earlier this week, a milestone Mr Cole was attempting to disrupt by stopping supplies of Mountain Dew to the experiment's vending machines. He also claimed responsibility for the infamous baguette sabotage in November last year.

Mr Cole was seized by Swiss police after CERN security guards spotted him rooting around in bins. He explained that he was looking for fuel for his 'time machine power unit', a device that resembled a kitchen blender.

Police said Mr Cole, who was wearing a bow tie and rather too much tweed for his age, would not reveal his country of origin. "Countries do not exist where I am from. The discovery of the Higgs boson led to limitless power, the elimination of poverty and Kit-Kats for everyone. It is a communist chocolate hellhole and I'm here to stop it ever happening."

Here's a rule of thumb: if someone claims to be from the future, they're not. In the future there's the First Directive of Time Travel, which expressly forbids any time traveler from disclosing their status as a traveler. There are also restrictions on tampering with the past, and especially anything having to do with caffeinated drinks. I can't tell you how I know this because I am not a time traveler, and never have been.