Woo-Hoo! I'm a Victim

Finally I hear about a recall, check my lot numbers, and (bingo!) find that I qualify as a wronged-consumer. Yes, I am the owner of a possibly contaminated with Salmonella jar of peanut butter.

The product that I won with is Peter Pan Peanut Butter, Creamy style, 40 oz. size. I used the hand basket while shopping, and I pulled my container from the middle of the shelf. That is pretty much my M.O. for all my shopping, but I never won anything before this.

So what did I win? Well, victimhood itself is a pretty desirable prize. After making everyone around me aware of my possible-victim status, I can use that status to elicit sympathy and get out of doing things I don't want to do. As in, "I'd like to shovel the driveway, dear, but I think I'm coming down with Salmonella again." Or say I'm about to be berated because of some transgression on my part: about halfway through the accusation I start doing my salmonella cough. If the criticism doesn't taper off, I escalate - to the point of a full blown salmonella emergency if it comes to that.

And, of course, this gives me the right to speak out with righteous indignation concerning the evil corporation that did this to me. In this case: ConAgra Foods. (the bastards) What do they care about the little guy? Here I am, possibly on the brink of a disease and they expect me to mail in the lid? Yeah, like that's even possible.

Obviously ConAgra is going to need to be taught a lesson in the courtroom. Let's frog-march them into court and find out whose idea it was to put a migratory fish in with the peanuts in the first place.