The Census

Avoid it.

Although I don't know how you could avoid it. Maybe pretend that you don't speak English, or feign insanity. One thing for sure though, once you're in the system they will call you every two years. And they'll keep calling back until you agree to another "interview". Once the interview has started they won't let you hang up. You can say the house is on fire and they'll say to stop, drop, roll, and tell them if the number of adults residing at this location has changed in the last two years. I really have to admire these guys. They make timeshare salesmen look like sleeping hippies.

I just got off the phone with Steve, my Census guy. I actually remember him from the confrontation two years ago. That was the interview that took forever because I thought it really mattered to give accurate numbers for the mortgage, electricity use, water usage, etc. Somewhere in the course of the interview though I realized that I could tell him anything and he'd have to accept it. I finished the last half of the questioning by turning on CNN and giving whatever numbers were crawling across the bottom of the screen - baseball scores, the temperature in Phoenix, whatever happened to be on the screen. "You're mortgage is for what? 76? 76 dollars?" "Um, yes sir."

This time the interview went well. I started off not caring what numbers I gave the government. And when I realized that I had the same interviewer as last time I had some fun with him. "Since the survey two years ago, have there been any additions, major repairs, or modifications to the residence?"

"Well Steve, you remember last time, when I said I was thinking about building a sun room? I sketched out plans, but I decided my money would be better spent on the other repairs we discussed."

[silence]

"No, just kidding, Steve."

"We built the sun room."

"No, kidding again."

Which kidding, all in all, Steve took well. He barely balked when I told him that we were renting the basement to my daughter's imaginary friend. And he accepted that our mortgage was "2-0, 3.20 ERA". Is our residence on a flood plain? We're all on a flood plain, Steve.

So he wraps it up, "OK and our last question: In the event your government requires it, how many troops could you put up at this residence for the period of one month or more?"

[silence]

"Just kidding."

"Good one, Steve."