Friday, September 21, 2012

No More Golf Jokes Please

We've all been asked to knock it off with the Obama golf jokes. Fair enough. I suppose golf is one of the few things the President does well. We should let him have his small victories. But golf jokes are so funny. So here's a few that aren't about the prez:

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, Michelle,when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it, "M O" -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt." "That's when I made my big mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to Michelle, "Hey, this looks like yours!" "I don't remember much after that!"

Three golfing buddies died in an auto accident and went to heaven. Upon arrival, they noticed the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter told them they were welcome to play the course, but he cautioned them with one rule: “Don’t step on the ducks.”

The men had blank expressions on their faces, and finally one of them said, “The ducks?” “Yes,” St. Peter Said. “There are millions of ducks walking around the golf course, and when one of them is stepped on, he squawks, and then the one next to him squawks, and soon they’re all raising hell and it really breaks the tranquility. If you step on the ducks, you’ll be punished.”

The men start playing the course, and within 15 minutes, one of the guys stepped on a duck. The duck squawked, and soon there was a deafening roar of ducks quacking. St. Peter appeared with an extremely homely woman and asked, “Who stepped on a duck?” “I did,” admitted one of the men. St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man to the homely woman. “I told you not to step on the ducks,” he said. “Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.”

The two other men were very cautious not to step on any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before, and within minutes, St. Peter walked up with a woman who was even uglier than the other one. He determined who stepped on the duck by seeing the fear in the man’s face, and he cuffed him to the woman. “I told you not to step on the ducks,” St. Peter said. “Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.”

The third man, we'll call him Barack, was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn’t even move for fear of nudging a duck. After three months of this, he still hadn’t stepped on a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man and had with him the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled and without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.

Barack, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a sigh and said, “What have I done to deserve this?” The woman replied: “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”

An avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to get back for a cabinet meeting. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the younger man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, Barack, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the man swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."


Veeshir said...

A golfer, we'll call him "Barack", is pretending to have a religion and so is giving his confession. He tells the priest he said a curse word, the "F" Word.

The priest tells him to explain the circumstances so he would know the proper penance.

"I was golfing and hit my first drive, it was beautiful. Long and straight down the fairway, but it hit a wire and dropped about 80 yards away."

The priest asked if that was when he said the word.

"Not yet. Then a squirrel came along and grabbed my ball and started to run away."

The priest asked if that was when he said the word.

"No. As the squirrel ran, a hawk swooped down and grabbed the squirrel, still clutching my ball."

The priest asked if that was when he said the word.

"No. So then the squirrel dropped the ball. It hit the cart path, bounced high, hit a rock near a bunker and bounced over the bunker and rolled along until it was about 10 inches from the hole."

There is silence for a second and then the priest says, "You missed the effing putt, didn't you?"

W.B. Picklesworth said...

Is that some kind of metaphor for the coming election? Because I'm pretty sure ol' B.O. is going to miss that putt.