Mopping and Lessons

I got into a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.”

 I said, “You’ll be sorry.”

He said, “Oh yeah? Why?”

 I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
-emo phillips

and...

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?

And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
-emo phillips