Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Jonah Goldberg Noticed

All we need now is redistricting every household into it's own congressional district.

Lean Forward into the abyss of stupid, Y'all!

Feb. 29

Here's a tip: have your baby today and cut your birthday present obligation by 75%.

Chang, Eng, and That Abortion Thing

I must have missed this somehow:

In 1829, they were “discovered” in Siam by British merchant Robert Hunter and exhibited as a curiosity during a world tour. Upon termination of their contract with their discoverer, they successfully went into business for themselves. In 1839, while visiting Wilkesboro, North Carolina, the twins were attracted to the area and settled on a 110-acre farm in nearby Traphill, becoming naturalized United States citizens.

Determined to start living a normal life as much as possible, the brothers settled on a plantation, bought slaves, and adopted the name 'Bunker'....

As normal a life as possible? As conjoined slave owners? Yikes.

I guess the part that struck me was that they chose to join an economy that was based on slavery. I suppose I always thought of slave owners as people born into that culture; because that is easy to understand -- they grew up with slavery and naturally continued on as they had been raised. Of course there were the original plantation owners, I just hadn't considered them before.

If you had a little money saved, why not open a dry goods store or a horse painting service or something? Why go straight from the big top to the plantation? There must have been no stigma attached to owning human beings at all. Or maybe the money was so good that a prospective slave owner would squint and not see a human being. "No, I have looked at your potential benefit to me and determined that you must be property."

Course, up North, in an economy that did well enough without forced labor, they were able to look upon slavery for what it was. I guess those differing views were bound to clash; the North saw the unfairness of slavery, but the South depended on it.

And here, coming out of left field, is abortion. Where some pregnant women say, "I have examined your possible impact upon my future and determined you must be tissue." Some people just can't see a human being when it's staring them in the belly button.

Now in Virginia there is an uproar about a bill to require an ultrasound before an abortion. From the NYT:

The original bill did not explicitly mention vaginal ultrasounds, which involve placing a wand inside the body. But it required doctors to offer patients a clear picture of the fetus and a chance to listen to its heartbeat. In the first trimester, when most abortions take place, that requires a vaginal probe, not the “jelly on the belly” abdominal scans done later in the pregnancy, when the fetus is larger.

Abortion rights advocates seized the opportunity. “Akin to rape,” one legislator called the bill. “Asking doctors to commit a sex crime,” declared another. Liberal women’s groups fanned outrage over “forced vaginal penetration,” and Virginia was mocked on comedy shows.

Trying to head off a political debacle, Gov. Bob McDonnell, who is believed to harbor higher political ambitions, said on Wednesday that the bill must be amended “to explicitly state that no woman in Virginia will have to undergo a transvaginal ultrasound involuntarily.” A revised law is expected to pass in coming days — still requiring that a woman have an ultrasound and be offered descriptions of the fetus, but giving her the right to refuse a vaginal probe. Informed consent or legalized rape? Vital help for women, or the deliberate infliction of shame?

It's laughable to call it akin to rape when you consider the planned subsequent procedure. Opponents are so panty-bunched because ultrasound is a real threat. Even though the abortion doctor will try to frame it as non-humanly as possible; there's only so many ways to ask "if you'd like to hear this tissue's heartbeat."

Ultrasound is an attempt to get those involved to unsquint their eyes and see that this is not just uterine property. The living "tissue" that the ultrasound is imaging is a human being. I know that an unplanned pregnancy is a life altering event. It's huge. But so is ending a life in the womb.

Why not give women every possible bit of information regarding this very important decision? An apparatus already exists to smooth the way for squinted eyes. If Planned Parenthood had their way, you'd go from the first call, through the abortion, and on to the recovery room, without ever hearing the word "baby."

I understand many women think this is just a bit of tissue; especially those who have already had abortions. But what if it's a baby? Doesn't just the possibility make it important to give the matter clear honest consideration?

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Save Her!

I think what these Just For Laughs Gags guys got right is that they made the videos short. They set up the gag, show the funny, and end the clip. Done. Within two minutes you're back surfing for cat pictures.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Friday, February 24, 2012

Shopping Cart Prank

We're all shopping carts and Obama is a cameraman's assistant with a hook.

I know it's a stretch. Funny video though.

Dictator, the Movie

Sacha Baron Cohen's new movie might be good. Tell you what, we've been laughing at dictators for years now.

Cohen disappoints me though. He can be genuinely hilarious, but then he'll throw in enough mean spirited humor to make me cringe. It averages out to an uneasy amusement at best.

Ego Boost

For reasons known only to the Google algorithm and God, I was once the first result for a Google search of "islamic porn". (moderate safe search filtering) Thank goodness, I've now dropped to #10 if you use the quotation marks, and the third page if you don't.

I hadn't paid much attention to such things since the novelty of being the islamic porn king wore off. But today I noticed that my page stats have started including a little notation if I'm ranked highly on a particular search. Here's the ones I noticed:

#1 - lumberjack blog
#8 - nea crucifix
#6 - pictures of early lumberjacks
#4 - charles manson lumberjack
#4 - unicorn nude
#1 - chuck norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls

See that last one? Pride has returned to my (long) list of sins.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Religious Liberty: ObamaCare’s First Casualty

I like reddit because because of the funny section, but I can't help but notice the ill-informed-reactionary-kid section from time to time. The other day I noticed a post titled:

Hey Rick Santorum: Removing access to contraceptives in order to discourage premarital sex is like taking away seat belts to encourage safer driving habits.

Which, ok, is stupid. But it was followed by 1,657 comments from kids who had no clue that the premise, Rick Santorum wants to remove access to contraceptives, was totally false. Let's hope we haven't really become this stupid, or we may end up with another 4 years of Obama.

This informative video from the Heritage Foundation is an effort to educate about the HHS mandate. The average AWL reader already knows this stuff, but pass it on to your clueless friends.

h/t: corner

Fashion Statement

If I worked in an office, I would just start showing up in one of these masks every day. Wearing a mask wouldn't be great; the great part would be in refusing to explain myself. Maybe refuse to even admit that I was wearing one. "What mask? I'm not wearing a mask. You are."

It would disrupt office operations and drive my supervisor crazy. Course, a diabolical super genius supervisor would instantly recognize that ignoring me would ruin everything, and I'd be stuck wearing an itchy mask all day for nothing.

Perhaps I'd be stubborn and just continue the habit for years. There would be an unspoken conflict; a test of wills and that would go on until one of us retired. The boss might even quietly go insane from the pressure.

I suppose once I could tell that the mask was being accepted, I could hire someone to take my place. (at a lower salary) Then I'd be free to go back to cutting down trees for a living. Call it mask arbitrage, buying cheap masked office workers over here and selling them over there for a profit.

It's probably a good thing I don't work in an office. I'd be thinking about these things all day.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

While Rome Burned

I suppose the White House Blues festival could have been worse. Biden could have joined in. (I didn't go, something about having to stay 500 yards away from the White House, but I watched the videos)

Search Youtube for more. The event videos put me in mind of an Austin City Limits, only with the smell of Grecian Formula and burning Bibles in the background.

Mick Jagger didn't break a hip, again.

Probably Shouldn't Post This

If anyone in the Obama Administration sees this, they'll be allocating stimulus dollars for it next week.

"How can we compete in a global economy when the Chinese have high speed rail and down in Buenos Aires they've got roller-coaster commuting? I'm going to propose a bold new initiative in which our cities are built around amusement parks and nobody is more than a five minute walk from a euthanasia clinic."

Funny thing, but I used to take a roller coaster to my first job. Although it wasn't so much a roller coaster as city bus. And it didn't actually take me to work. But it was pretty much the same thing; minus the excitement, soft drinks, and bermuda shorts. Good times.


Saturday, February 18, 2012


See if you can get to the level with these green blocks... it may be hard though because I painted those ones green and what are the chances that there really is such a level?


and another

What is Love?


Thursday, February 16, 2012

It was a brilliant plan....

It was a brilliant plan, or so it seemed. They'd take out life insurance on the old drunk, and when he died; they'd be rich:

...One night in December 1932 they all gathered at the speakeasy to commence the killing of Michael Malloy.

To Malloy’s undisguised delight, Tony Marino granted him an open-ended tab, saying competition from other saloons had forced him to ease the rules. No sooner did Malloy down a shot than Marino refilled his glass. “Malloy had been a hard drinker all his life,” one witness said, “and he drank on and on.” He drank until Marino’s arm tired from holding the bottle. Remarkably, his breathing remained steady; his skin retained its normally ruddy tinge. Finally, he dragged a grungy sleeve across his mouth, thanked his host for the hospitality, and said he’d be back soon. Within 24 hours, he was.

Malloy followed this pattern for three days, pausing only long enough to eat a complimentary sardine sandwich. Marino and his accomplices were at a loss. Maybe, they hoped, Malloy would choke on his own vomit or fall and slam his head. But on the fourth day Malloy stumbled into the bar. “Boy!” he exclaimed, nodding at Marino. “Ain’t I got a thirst?”

Tough Tony grew impatient, suggesting someone simply shoot Malloy in the head, but Murphy recommended a more subtle solution: exchanging Malloy’s whiskey and gin with shots of wood alcohol. Drinks containing just four percent wood alcohol could cause blindness, and by 1929 more than 50,000 people nationwide had died from the effects of impure alcohol. They would serve Malloy not shots tainted with wood alcohol, but wood alcohol straight up.

Marino thought it a brilliant plan, declaring he would “give [Malloy] all of the drink he wants…and let him drink himself to death.” Kriesberg allowed a rare display of enthusiasm. “Yeah,” he added, “feed ’im wood alcohol cocktails and see what happens.” Murphy bought a few ten-cent cans of wood alcohol at a nearby paint shop and carried them back in a brown paper bag. He served Malloy shots of cheap whiskey to get him “feeling good,” and then made the switch.

The gang watched, rapt, as Malloy downed several shots and kept asking for more, displaying no physical symptoms other than those typical of inebriation. “He didn’t know that what he was drinking was wood alcohol,” reported the New York Evening Post, “and what he didn’t know apparently didn’t hurt him. He drank all the wood alcohol he was given and came back for more.”

Night after night the scene repeated itself, with Malloy drinking shots of wood alcohol as fast as Murphy poured them...

And then it got difficult. Read the whole thing.

h/t: shelton

Fake, But Very Well Done

And gutsy.

h/t: the cube

It Was Only a Matter of Time

See? See what your "fashion" has done?:

The Fashion Week crowd was stunned Wednesday when 95-year-old nightlife legend Zelda Kaplan died during a runway show.

Kaplan was seated near gossip queen Cindy Adams and supermodel Carol Alt in the front row of designer Joanna Mastroianni’s show when she appeared to faint, falling forward in her seat and “it looked like her eyelids started to flutter,” one witness said.

I say it was only a matter of time before the floppy hatted "let's see if we can make a dress from tar-paper" crowd killed someone. The human heart wasn't built to withstand visual insult on this scale.

The Problem With Obama Campaign Stops

He keeps finding "new tools for the economy."

What shall we "invest" in today?

Nerd Family


Wednesday, February 15, 2012

From a Comment at Newsbusters

The Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of President Obama on it.
The Postal Service noticed that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.
This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.
After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Postal Commission presented the following findings:

1. The stamp is in perfect order.
2. There is nothing wrong with the glue.
3. People are spitting on the wrong side .

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

How I've Waited for This: Patiently

Pact With the Devil

Paul A. Rahe has ruffled a few feathers with his article, American Catholicism’s Pact With the Devil, at Ricochet:

...the leaders of the American Catholic Church fell prey to a conceit that had long before ensnared a great many mainstream Protestants in the United States – the notion that public provision is somehow akin to charity – and so they fostered state paternalism and undermined what they professed to teach: that charity is an individual responsibility and that it is appropriate that the laity join together under the leadership of the Church to alleviate the suffering of the poor. In its place, they helped establish the Machiavellian principle that underpins modern liberalism – the notion that it is our Christian duty to confiscate other people’s money and redistribute it.

"Pact with the devil' seems harsh, though I don't think it's hyperbole. It's bugged me for some time that people consider government programs charity. Christian charity isn't making your neighbor feed the poor. It's only Christian charity when it comes from you, and you're under no secular obligation to give it.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Denied Again

CPAC Red Carpet Bloggers Awards

1. Top Humor Blog – Iowahawk Blog

2. Best Writer on a Blog – Ace of Spades

3. Best News Blog: The Right Scoop

4. Best Blog Links: Instapundit

5. Best New Blog: Naked DC

6. Best anti-Jihad Blog: Atlas Shrugged

7. Best State-Level Blog: The Shark Tank

8. Most Influential Blog: Instapundit/Glenn Reynolds

9. Most Underrated Blog: Legal Insurrection

10. Tea Party Blogger of the Year: Gateway Pundit

11. Best Overall Blog: Hot Air

12. Blog Most Likely to Photoshop Obama Kissing Putin: Are We Lumberjacks

Award impecuniousness is not a problem when you have a relationship with Adobe.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Turned Myself In Again

The White House (I get these things) is requesting my picture along with a plea that Congress extend the payroll tax holiday for another year. I'm not opposed to tax cuts, though it's just a gimmick and won't make up for what all the other taxes we'll be paying directly and indirectly, so I submitted my picture. Yes, I know, many people have told me I resemble a cross between Stuart Sutcliffe and Barack Obama. Hope they don't notice.

Friday, February 10, 2012

I'm $60 Worth of Mad, and I'm Not Going to Take It Anymore

Let Me Buy That for You

Barack Obama tests a modified t-shirt cannon designed to rapidly dispense
condoms at sporting events and other gatherings of "people in need."

I haven't commented much on the HHS mandate, and now semi-modified mandate, that we all buy condoms, morning after pills, and pay for the sterilization of all US citizens who request such things. There are moral arguments to be made regarding my religious freedom to not facilitate things I believe are morally wrong.

But morality aside, when did birth control become a basic human right? I can agree that we have an obligation to provide for those who are incapable feeding and sheltering themselves. There are people who need to be cared for. But who decided we need to help them have sex? Where does our responsibility stop?

Lumberjacks Assemble!

It's spooky, the way this accurately portrays lumberjacks and what it's like to be a lumberjack. (and even what it's like to pretend to be a lumberjack)

Nobody Could Understand a Word of What Was Said

"After all the action, stunts & physical abuse shooting 'The Expendables 2
' and 'The Last Stand,' it was time for a little tune up on my shoulder,"
Schwarzengger wrote on Twitter. "Look who was coincidentally waiting
in line behind me for his shoulder surgery.

Anesthetic, accents, grunts and the ravages of time came together to form the perfect storm of unintelligibility. Half a dozen nurses stood in the hallway: "Did he say he wanted juice?", "I think he said he had to pee." "Which one? I thought they both said they wanted uncle's umbrella flan fedora."

By the way, I've had the rotator cuff problems that they're probably getting repaired. I recommend the exercises. It took a long time to make a difference and you have to start out wimpily if you've got a tear, but it worked well for me. Steroids didn't help at all though I've heard they work for some people.

I just have to remember to revisit the exercises from time time. If I let my arm go, before long I'll notice that I've lost 10 or 15 mph on my fastball. (which means it's almost going backward)

Thursday, February 09, 2012

The Great Liberal Pundit, Scarlett Johansson

Wearing a sweater vest is wrong, but this isn't?

This picture, by the way, does not distress me; I've lived rural enough to know that flowers sometimes grow next to cow patties.

Scarlett Johansson in Us:
"Oh gosh, so sad," the We Bought a Zoo actress said. "My dad wore them, and, I mean, they're charming for family photos I guess, and dinner with the grandparents. I think there's an ironic way to wear a sweater vest but other than that I'm not sure!"

Obviously money has insulated her from the ill effects of having a fashionable president.

Monday, February 06, 2012

Halftime in America


Positioned to Bite Anyone Who Reaches for the Salted Butter

"And you know what? One of the things about being president is you get better as time goes on,"
-Barack Obama

Sheesh. It's the first real job you've ever had, of course you get better at it when you start from zero.

What is the reelection slogan this time? Another four years of "We didn't realize it was this bad"?

Ad Be Gone

Remember this guy from before?

Breathtaking Images from the Hubble Telescope

Sunday, February 05, 2012

Long Overdue Cute

All found through Al Gore's ingenious device.

Altered Message

I'm trying to list the things that differentiate this revolution from Halloween 2006. So far, all I've come up with is the difference in date.

Friday, February 03, 2012

Race to Rock Bottom

Obama's promises in Falls Church: 'We'll all refinance and save thousands, and the government will pick up the closing costs, but it won't cost anybody because we'll take extra fees from the banks.'

Well sure, the groundhog saw his shadow or something so now well have 9 more months of [impossible] promised goodies from President Obama. Never mind those last, unfulfilled, election promises. Remember how college would be cheaper? How "I won't have to worry about gas or paying my mortgage ever again."? The sea levels receding?

But what if you believed he really could deliver on some of them? What if your situation were such that an Obama reelection really would mean a few extra thousand in your pocket?

Would it be worth it? Wouldn't it just be an offer to ride shotgun in the car Obama's driving off a cliff?

Thursday, February 02, 2012

Two Videos

A video about unplugging yourself, ungridding your loins, and stepping out into the stuffiverse. You know, living in the land where you can get bruised and where LOL actually involves respiration. For like, all day every day.

We all spend time unplugged, and I see the attraction of going cold turkey. I don't know if I could abandon the Lumberverse completely though. I'd maybe be interested in a program that shuts down your computer for the day after some allotted number of minutes.

Don't think I didn't notice: this "unplugged" guy shot, edited, and uploaded a digital video to the internet. Presumably he's at least semi-plugged-in again.

And here's a light-hearted (one would assume) video about three tinkerers who like to spend their lazy days causing minor traffic accidents on New York bridges. Extra credit - mute it and play instead: "Danger Zone" by Kenny Loggins. "Too close for missiles, I'm switching to guns."

h/t: wet/dry and lumberbrudi

More to this Woman Than Meets the Eye

Just the fact that Michelle Obama has joined a road construction crew proves that she is not the one-dimensional food-scold that I thought.

image credit

Stephen Hawking Was Involved

I knew it could be done. I knew Michelle could be thinned a bit. I didn't realize I'd have to bend space/time to do it.

Our List of Demands Has Been Delayed Again

Guess who's coming to dinner? from SondraK:

…a new Occupy strategy emerging across the country is to mobilize cross-country marches through mid-size cities where the movement has been absent, and reach out to sympathetic Americans by occupying their homes…


h/t: Justin Credible

Wednesday, February 01, 2012

Baby Names

Now I feel better about naming my child Lumberkid.

h/t: Lumberbrudi

RIP Don Cornelius

Darned shame, Soul Train creator Don Cornelius was found dead this morning of apparent suicide. Health issues may have been a factor. (but not an excuse!)

I don't know how many of you are old enough to remember Soul Train, but it was the thing to watch back in the day. Especially if you were a youngster, white or black, afraid of looking like a shot albatross on the dance floor. You could dance along with the Soul Train Line, knocking over lamps in the living room and stepping on dogs (this is why we can't have anything nice) and by the time the school dance came around, you'd be ready.

You were still too afraid to ask an actual girl to dance, but if the gymnasium was invaded by some crazed aliens who shot ray-guns in the air and demanded to human dancing, "You, yes you, we want to see you dance with that pretty girl over there," you'd be ready.

BTW - that's Mary Wilson and Jean Terrell (of the Supremes) that Don is dancing with. Notice the hair. All through the 70's those afro's posed a significant fire hazard. But they were so cool. Also, notice the men's pants. They all fit, and the waist line was at the actual waist, not, you know, somehow magically between the knees and butt.

Rest in peace Don.

The Argyle Socks

Pull it all together.

The argyle socks always pull it all together.

Remember your first pair of argyle socks? I remember thinking, "this can't possibly not be gay," but then I put them on, kissed Rob Lowe (no, just kidding), and looked in the mirror. And I looked good, right? There was a spring in my step that non-argyle wearers couldn't possibly understand. And best part: all the nuance is gone from sock matching. No more holding socks under the lamp to determine if the shades are the same.

And say you find one argyle but can't find the other; just wear anything on your other foot. People will think it's a fashion statement and admire you for your courage.

There. Done. I was able to write two (short) paragraphs about argyle socks; thus distracting you from the fact that the whole point of this post was to make the president look silly.